Washington, DC: Citing security concerns about Santa Claus’ visit on Christmas Eve night each year, President Trump is calling for Kris Kringle to present his birth certificate that he was indeed born in the North Pole to verify his identity. If he fails to comply, Trump has said that Claus will be barred from entering the United States.
“Every year, we let a man in a red outfit wielding magic and flying with magical creatures to go into U.S. houses to leave gifts,” Trump tweeted. “But how do we know that he has good intentions? What else is he leaving?”
“First of all,” he continued, “we are a CHRISTIAN [capitalization in original] nation and I am uncomfortable with the idea of letting someone into our country using Satanist magic enter American homes.”
“Most important,” Trump explained, “how do we even know he was born at the North Pole? We trust him on his word that he’s from there, but do we have proof? No! And I don’t feel like letting someone WHOSE IDENTITY WE DON’T KNOW [capitalization in original] into our country.”
Trump then tweeted swipes at the Democrats. “The weak Democrats, led by lying Nancy Pelosi and crying Chuck Schumer, would let Santa and anyone else who wanted to come into the United States do whatever they want. WEAK ON SECURITY! [capitalization in original]”
Santa Claus is not actually from the North Pole. Going first by St. Nicholas, Claus is thought to have been born in what is now modern-day Turkey in 270 CE. Sometime following that, he was re-christened Santa Claus and has traditionally been thought to live at the North Pole with his wife, along with elves and other magical creatures.
Trump tweeted that he already has plans on how to deal with Claus should he not comply.
“Should Santa decide not to show his birth certificate, the United States will build a beautiful, magnificent wall to keep flying magical creatures from entering our airspace,” he continued tweeting. “It’ll be the most magnificent, strongest wall that you’ve ever seen, and the NORTH POLE will pay for it.”
He added, “Reverent Joel Osteen—who, bye [sic] the way, is a very good man—has already been contacted to bless the wall to stop evil demons from harming us.”
Then the president circled back to the danger of Claus, even suggesting that, given the choice, he’d select another Christmas spirit to visit the United States in Claus’ stead.
“We all know Santa is weak on wrong-doing, so I’d ask Krampus to visit instead. Good guy, that Krampus,” Trump tweeted. “A lot of bad hombres,” echoing words he used on the campaign trail, “are out there and we could use Krampus’ know-how on teaching them what’s what.”
Later on, when asked by a reporter if Trump was advocating Krampus’ stance on corporal punishment, the president replied, “You’re fake news. Get this guy out of here.”
Representatives from the North Pole could not be reached for comment.
Additional reporting thanks to special correspondent Brawly Parton.