New York, NY: Steve Rogers, the star-spangled hero of World War II known as Captain America and leader of New York’s premiere superhero group the Avengers, had to be escorted away from Trump Tower after causing a disturbance.
As philanthropist Tony Stark, better known to the world as Iron Man of the Avengers, explained, on Tuesday night Rogers had been watching the presidential election results filter in on the major new networks into the early hours of the morning with Stark and fellow teammate Spider-Man. After Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump had secured his path to the 270 Electoral College votes needed to win the presidency, “Steve just sat in front of the TV in shock, slack-jawed and shell-shocked,” Stark explained.
“Steve’s been out of the ice for a long time,” Stark went on, referring to Captain America’s time in suspended animation, frozen in ice in the Arctic Ocean. “This election ain’t his first rodeo. He knows politics can get dirty. But I truly think this go-around really got to him,” referring to what many characterized as particularly vitriolic and protracted presidential campaign season.
The web-slinging Spider-Man continued, “After a few minutes, Cap put his hands on his knees, pushed himself up, and half-muttered something about ‘needing to take a walk’ before shambling out of the TV room.” While his fellow teammates assumed he just needed some space, they became concerned after the Captain did not return to Avengers Tower within a few hours.
But then the call came.
Onlookers at Trump Tower, the famous New York landmark of the President-Elect, recounted seeing Captain America slamming the edge of his famous red-and-white shield into the first floor outer walls of the building, yelling epithets about the nation’s 45th president.
“Stupid fucking orange hate goblin,” one bystander said Rogers yelled with every swing of his shield. “Think I spent the better part of the last century frozen in a block of goddamned ice so that anger troll can ask me to be at his beck and call?! ‘Avengers assemble,’ my ass. I’ll assemble a boot to his face.”
Within minutes of being alerted to the incident, Iron Man and Spider-Man arrived on the scene and attempted to talk Rogers down. But the Captain was not having it.
“Love you, Tony,” Rogers told Stark, “but back the fuck up with that nonsense. There’s no damn way I’m going to be the goddamned errand boy to that Red Skull wannabe. Nope. Not gonna happen. Don’t care how much cash you have tied up in mutual investments with that human dumpster fire America elected.”
When Spider-Man made an effort to interject, Captain American quickly rebuked his efforts.
“Power and responsibility, power and responsibility,” Rogers told the web-slinger. “You’re always yammering on about that. Unless your dead uncle has a homily about what to do when a KKK-backed misogynist, racist, bigoted ass clown is elected president, just save it.”
As quickly as his tirade, however, Captain America seemed to lose steam, dropping his shield to the ground and softly weeping.
“I’m sorry, America,” Rogers was heard to be saying as Stark and Spider-Man walked with their friend away from the scene.
No one was injured during Captain America’s outburst. President-Elect Trump could not be reached for comment. No charges have been filed against Rogers at this time.