Glasshole Nation Stunned
On the heels of Google’s attempt to debunk several rumors that have been plaguing their touted ‘Google Glass’ product, tech-arms-race competitor Facebook announced the acquisition of VR development firm Oculus, who’s headset resembles the bastard child of early Ralph McQuarrie Darth Vader designs and a Daft Punk helmet, for a cool 2 billion.
At first there was no apparent connection between the moves, but we had a chance to sit down with Facebook CEO and all around super nice guy Mark Zuckerberg, who explained his secret strategy behind the purchase.
“Yes, I said something about the most social platform of the future or some nonsense. Honestly, I was kind of surprised no one called me out on that, have you seen these things?” Zuckerberg continued “The reality is that I just feel bad for Google. I mean, we make such an effort to piss our users off and they just keep coming back for more. I thought for sure secretly changing privacy settings on a weekly basis would drive some folks over to Google “plus” but it’s like that old girlfriend who you treated like shit and she just takes it. What can I say?”
When asked specifically about what made Oculus so appealing Zuckerberg explained “These headsets are so utterly ridiculous that anyone wearing Google Glass has got to look 10 times cooler by comparison. And we’re not stopping there. Facial recognition, keeping the device on all the time, secret surveillance — we’re gonna do all of that. This is really my last-ditch effort to help those glassholes out.” Zuckerberg threw his hands out in despair, “I mean, after this what else can I do? Acquire myspace?”
Oculus founder Palmer Luckey, who’s surname has never been more fitting, seemed as stunned as the rest of us. “I mean, 2 billion!? Never in a million years did I think this would happen. It’s like one day you don’t know where your next meal is coming from and the next, well, now I can finally buy that Neo Geo I’ve had my eye on.”