Washington, DC: The destructive War on Christmas lingers into another year, thanks in no small part to former President Barack Obama.
Yelling from a megaphone on a platform atop the Washington Monument on Friday night, Obama pledged to undo current President Donald Trump’s declaration last year that the American people are allowed to say “Merry Christmas” again.
“The United States has no room for godly men like Trump!” cackled Obama from on high. “Trump and his lofty ideas about making America great again after all the effort I put into desecrating the Constitution!”
While the whirl of nearby military helicopters made it difficult to hear the 44th president speaking, Obama continued.
“My administration worked tirelessly to keep the word ‘Christmas’ off the tongues not just of those in our government, but also those of the American people at large,” monologued Obama. “For that devout and kind man, whom the majority of you voted to follow my reign to topple our god of secularism… It’s sickening!”
As soldiers from the circling choppers pleaded with Obama to listen to reason, the former president bellowed, “Christmas? Merry Christmas? Not under my watch!”
Afterward, Obama swan-dove from the Monument, briefly flew through the air, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
A statement from President Trump reads: “I wish President Obama would come to the White House so we could put our differences behind us. He’s such a warm man with whom I have no quarrel. I would hope that we could sip some eggnog in the Oval Office, and speak of past holiday memories, Christmas or otherwise.”