Today, all of North America will experience a solar eclipse. If your children have never experienced a solar eclipse, they might naturally have questions. Here are a few tips about how to talk to your children about this astronomical phenomenon.

  • The moon wouldn’t blot out the sun if you went to church more often.
  • An eclipse is the universe’s way of telling everyone that you think impure thoughts.
  • During an eclipse, there might be an increase in vampire sightings. If you see a vampire, be sure that you can outrun the slowest in your pack of friends. Do not mourn his death. Ultimately, he would have weighed you down later in life. His passing and sacrifice only make you stronger.
  • An eclipse may change your appetite. Acceptable: dipping your French fries in a milkshake. Unacceptable: dipping your French fries in the blood of the innocent.
  • As the eclipse most likely portends the end of the world, now is the time to say those things unsaid. Be bold. Tell your crush that you love her. Make a very public demonstration. There is no tomorrow, so there will be no repercussions afterward.
  • Most “experts” will tell you not to stare at an eclipse or else you will do permanent damage to your eyesight. These people are lying to you. Staring into an eclipse will give you superpowers from the great beyond. Do not pass up this opportunity.

 

 

  • If enough people perform a blood ritual during the eclipse, the demon king Kortoth will pierce the veil between realities and come to rule our realm once more. Be at the forefront of Kortoth’s reign. Renounce your worldly possessions now and give them to your heathen parents to beat the rush.
  • Your dog Sammy might act peculiarly during the eclipse. If he asks you for $20 to buy a pack of smokes, don’t pull that “I’m strapped, man” nonsense. He knows you’re holding out on him.
  • During an eclipse, zombie Neil Armstrong is allowed to roam the Earth for one day. If you see him, bend the knee.
  • People in your community may see the eclipse as an opportunity to overthrow local officials and start a new government. Stage a coup before they have an opportunity to do so first. This is your chance, Billy. This is the only way Samantha will give you the time of day. She’ll respect you for it. Do it now.
  • During an eclipse, all of your secrets are revealed to your loved ones. No unspoken thought is left unspoken. To avoid embarrassment, you should probably run away from home now.