Review: Just the Tips

I’m going to start by saying that writer Matt Fraction and artist Chip Zdarsky’s new satirical sex advice book should be passed out to all middle school boys and girls.

Okay, maybe not, but can you imagine how many parents would be pooping their Pampers? Sweet Jesus. But anyway.

Before my brain was totally rotten to its core with all of the violence and sex of video games and TV and movies and Three’s Company, I was a naïf when it came to sex: I knew it was used in baby-making, I knew that it involved mutual acrimony and compromise, I knew it involved a dash of self-loathing, and I knew that you shouldn’t do it until marriage. Or something. And while I had heard a lot of crude slang for the male anatomy, the female anatomy, and the act of sexual intercourse, there was still a lot I didn’t know. That’s how, in 6th grade, I got tricked into saying in front of my friends that I had, ech-hemm, a “twat.” Don’t throw vegetables at me, I had no idea what a “twat” was or that the term was offensive to some folks.

Why do I tell this story? Well, for one thing, I’m not good with introductions. But secondly and more importantly, it would’ve been nice to have had a good sexual primer to avoid situations just like this one. Sure, Masters and Johnson had their own tomes regaling readers with advice and information about jumping on the good foot and doing the bad thing, but could their texts have helped me avoid being tricked into telling a bunch of 6^th grade jackals that I had a vagina? Doubtful.

What 6^th grade Jed needed was Fraction and Zdarsky’s Just the Tips.

Actually, no. Just the Tips would’ve probably gotten that kid into even more embarrassing situations. But man, the book is fucking fantastic satire.

Just the Tips

Just the Tips

Just the Tips

As you probably have guessed by now, Just the Tips is a parody of the types of sexual hints books you see on the shelves in the self-help section of your local bookstores. Inspired by the advice the creative team dispenses in the letters column of their Image Comics series Sex Criminals, Tips takes those helpful tricks and hints found therein and puts its own unique slants on them. The book is peppered with categories such as “Sex Tips,” “Dirty Talk,” “Erotica,” and “Hot Positions.” I could describe them, but I wouldn’t them justice. Here’s a taste of what can be found in each category:

Sex Tips

Nothing wrong with stopping at second base for the first few weeks. But if you were a pro baseball player I’d fucking fire you.

“You unlock many more back doors with a finger than with a fist.” -Ancient Common Fucking Sense

Try making love while fucking. It’s tricky, like rubbing your belly and patting your head simultaneously.

A lot of women rely on their own touch for orgasm during sex, so make sure to give her some space for this. Go for a walk around the block or something.

Dirty Talk

I want to finger you like a mob rat saving his own ass in a RICO case.

I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave because I stare at your ass with the furious intensity of ten thousand suns and if you saw me doing it you’d be super creeped out.

Erotica

“I found my unprecedented THIRD phone abandoned this year. I opened it up and found a folder named “boobs”— which was empty—and a single penis.”

Hot Positions

auto-erotic twerging: Mask and bind two friends like so, then masturbate all by yourself like a bonobo on shore leave.

ball boobing: Four balls, two sacks, one shaft, let’s party! Using the natural décolletage of a gentleman’s dongboobs, slide up and down a penis until you either get super into it or start laughing too much.

bunting: Tap his balls lightly just before the moment of orgasm and watch as pleasure and pain combine to create a confused ejaculation that dribbles away from home rather than flying for the outfield fences.

As funny as the book’s descriptions are, and they’re pants-pissing funny, what really helps sell it is Chip Zadarsky’s art. The drawings at times look like sketches pulled from the pages of helpful pamphlets pulled right out of high school’s guidance counselor’s office. You know, but without the sex stuff. The creepily cheerful faces as two adults demonstrate “bunting” makes the image that much funnier and more disturbing.

I can’t give this book higher praise than by saying that every single person I’ve shown it to has cackled so intensely that you would have thought I had thrown a laugh grenade into the room. Just don’t blame me if your boss sees you reading it at work. That dismissal is on you.