Gotham City – An event intended to honor the city’s greatest champion, the Caped Crusader known as the Batman, took a dark turn during the annual Batman Day celebration held in the metropolis’ civic center.
This afternoon, some of the Dark Knight’s closest friends and confidantes, including Superman, Wonder Woman, Nightwing, and other members of the superhero community, as well as Police Commissioner James Gordon, gathered in the main ballroom of the Gotham City Civic Center to pay tribute to Batman for all the good deeds that he has bestowed upon the city. The caped vigilante was on-hand to meet with his comrades, as well as say hello to members of Gotham’s citizenry who wanted to thank the masked manhunter for his sometimes-thankless job.
By all accounts, the evening was pleasant at first, with the sometimes-notoriously introverted Dark Knight mingling with the attendees, even showing off a tremendous amount of affability and good-natured joking at times. However, as the evening progressed, according to the superhero known as The Flash, Batman became more and more withdrawn, noticeably steering clear of the crowd, planting roots at the celebration’s open bar and rebuffing attempts from others to communicate.
What triggered the events that happened next are not incredibly clear, but, according to the space adventurer Green Lantern, the Caped Crusader became first became agitated when a mother and father and their 10-year-old son walked past the open bar. The following recounting of events has been pieced together from security video footage and first-hand accounts from those in attendance.
“Hey, kid!” Batman bellowed at the 10-year-old. “Just what the fuck are you looking at?”
The parents and child halted in their tracks as the Batman stumbled off his stool, his cape nearly tripping him. He narrowed his eyes and vaguely pointed his finger at the boy.
“Just what. The. Hell. Do you think you’re doing. Wearing that shirt?” the Dark Knight slurred, referring to the bat-symbol on the boy’s chest.
“You think you’re better than ME?” he yelled, thumping his chest, most of the crowd turning toward the commotion. “What, because you’ve got two parents? Keep giving me that face and we’ll see about lowering that number,” he continued, throwing a warning glance the father’s way.
At this point, Batman’s long-time sidekick, Robin, the Boy Wonder, attempted to step in, hoping to calm his partner’s drunken fury.
“Don’t you even take another step, boy,” Batman then cautioned Robin, emphasizing the word “boy.” “You think you’re so fucking awesome because you rolled around in the kitty box with Catwoman? I fucked Julie Newmar in broad daylight on a Tuesday, goddammit! Has your toy wonder ever done that?!”
Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, then asked Batman if he’d like to take a walk to clear his head in the fresh night air.
“The very last thing I need,” the Caped Crusader said curtly, “is some fish-talking hanger-on patronizing me at my own goddamn party.” But he wasn’t done there.
“Hey, question: Can I come to your Aquaman Day celebration? Oh, what was that? That doesn’t exist? That’s right, get the fuck out of here,” he bellowed and threw his hand in the air haphazardly as Aquaman slowly backed away and into the crowd, a look of dawning washing over his face.
By this point, the family Batman verbally attacked was clear of the crimefighter’s line of sight. However, the superhero seemed to be losing his steam.
“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve touched someone who isn’t wearing a rubber suit?” he asked to no one in particular. “I just want to hold a woman’s hand who doesn’t look like she stumbled out of a low-rent local BDSM convention. Is that too much to ask?” he questioned, weakly.
As the crowd dwindled, the Dark Knight fell to his knees, openly weeping and clutching a nearby Superman’s cape.
“Tell me I’m a good man,” he sobbed. “Just tell me you’re proud of me, Dad.”