Viewers of the ABC network’s hit reality TV series The Bachelorette were assaulted with tragedy on Monday’s episode, the second of the new season. Prior to the announcement of which contestants would be accompanying Katilyn Bristowe, the season’s bachelorette, on her first group date to do improv with comedian Amy Schumer, Kor’toth the Unrelenting, a ninth-dimensional demon king, pierced the thin veil between his realm and ours, attacking the assembled mortals in the decadent mansion in which they dwelled.
While Kor’toth’s motivations are not completely clear, as the screams he released as he rained hellfire upon the Katilyn and her potential suitors were in a tongue not immediately recognizable to humans, religious anthropologists and linguists have been brought in to observe what footage could be salvaged to piece together the Old One’s declarations.
“While Kor’toth spoke a language that, as far as I can tell, has never hit human ears,” explained Dr. Max Geertz, professor of crypto-anthropology at UCLA, “some of his utterances seem to be an amalgam of ancient Sumerian and hints of a Cthulhuan dialect. Based off that, we were able to pick out a few of the words Kor’toth bellowed as he laid waste to the ABC set.”
Geertz goes on to list which words and phrases that the Dissolver of Souls bellowed while stripping the skin from the bones of such contestants as Ben and Kupah.
“Again, these are our best, educated summations,” Geertz warns, “but we were able to pluck out the words ‘abomination,’ ‘fornication flesh farm,’ ‘vapid eyes,’ ‘overpriced cologne,’ and ‘douchebags.’ How the Old One Who Will Bleed the Sky knows what a ‘douchebag’ is, I’m not sure, but we’re pretty certain that’s what he said.”
Beyond that, Kor’toth’s reasoning for traversing the bleed that separates our worlds in order to devour the being and light of every woman and man on the Bachelorette set can only be surmised via guesswork and reviewing the carnage of the night.
One such clue comes from a clip of suitor Brady speaking to the camera after narrowly fleeing a molten lava boulder lobbed at him by the vengeful Kor’toth. Hiding behind a corner and catching his breath, Brady managed to say to the camera, “It’s a shame because, even though I’ve only known Kaitlyn for a few days and I’m competing with 20 other guys, I felt like our relationship was going to the next level. I–”
Brady’s words were halted as the vengeful demon god impaled the suitor with one of his clawed tentacles, throwing the gelled-haired man’s husk into his gullet like a rag doll. His belly full, the anthropolgists believe that what Kor’toth bellowed next can best be translated as, “Chris Soules! Chris Soules! Next!” referring to last season’s bachelor.
As quickly as he arrived, Kor’toth opened a portal behind him, the Old One then slinking back to his realm. The Bachelorette host Chris Harrison was pulled back with the demon king as he left, Kor’toth calling Harrison “the ringmaster of a carnival of lost souls, a profiteer of suffering.” The Unrelenting left behind no survivors.
There is word yet on how ABC intends to fill the void in its schedule at this time.