City of Dis, Hell: Speaking to reporters on Wednesday, Lucifer Morningstar, lord of Hell and all the infernal plains, expressed regret for purchasing the soul of former reality TV star and millionaire mogul Donald Trump in exchange for Trump winning the presidency of the United States of America.
“He’s kind of got a dirty soul to begin with,” the Prince of Darkness conceded, his head lolling to the side as he sighed. “I honestly don’t know what I was thinking when he approached me for the soul swap.”
Back in 2015, Satan began, the tax evader summoned the Lightbringer and former beloved angel of the Almighty to discuss selling his soul for the highest office in America. Trump had mulled over a run for the White House for many years, some hypothesizing as early as 2011, when comedian Seth Meyers took jabs at the current president during the annual White House Correspondents Dinner.
“Never one to pass up a good bargain, I hopped on the deal,” Satan admitted. “I mean, it seemed like a homerun, with little to no effort on my part. Suh-weet. So many people assumed that Trump was too much of a farce masquerading as a man to win the nomination and eventually the office, but I’ve seen things. Witnessing millennia of history lets you in on patterns, and the time was right for a plucky, xenophobic braggart with no political experience to become Chief Fuhrer of the U.S.”
Rolling his eyes, the Prince of Lies shook his head at his own naïveté. “But that’s the thing: getting Trump’s soul was like scoring a participation trophy. BFD. I thought that there might be some sport to corrupting the Donald’s soul, but it’s hard to build on perfection. It’s damn disheartening, is what it is. There’s no joy in securing a skid mark like Il Douche into my menagerie of souls.”
This isn’t the first time the Unholy One has regretted a deal forged with a powerful leader, most notably with then-Vice President Dick Cheney and the VP’s ascension as Cheney the Undying.
At press time, rumors were swirling that Satan was attempting to pawn off Trump’s soul to Azazel, Beelzebub, or one of the other lesser demons of Hell.