WWE Summerslam is touted as being second only to Wrestlemania when it comes to pure spectacle and importance in the realm of the WWE Universe. So far, the build to this year’s event in Los Angeles’ Staples Center has been highlighted with Brock Lesnar’s promise to leave, current WWE Heavyweight Champion, John Cena in a “puddle of his own blood, urine, and vomit.” Yummy! However, beyond expectations of the sheer brutality of the main event, the undercard looks to be surprisingly strong as well. Each match has the ability to steal the show, so it’s anyone’s guess as to how Summerslam will play out. Well, in this case it’s OUR guess! Get a glimpse into the future* as Steve “The Hardcore Icon” Ekstrom and seven-time Back Alley Champion Lemonjuice McGee bring to you: FreakSugar’s WWE SummerSlam 2014 Predictions! –Caution: There might will be profanity.

ss 14 1WWE World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar (Title Match)

Lemonjuice McGee: John Cena has so much working against him in this match, that only the fact he’s the equivalent of a professional wrestling Messiah in the eyes of the corporation gives him a snowball’s chance in Hell of leaving Summerslam with the title. First off, the last time they fought, Cena was victorious. Normally that would be an argument for a win, but not in pro wrestling. Second, (in full Paul Heyman voice) Brock Lesnar beat the Undertaker’s streak at Wrestlemania. He’s the 1 in the 21 and 1! If Cena retains, that completely and totally destroys any bit of clout that (the highly criticized) accomplishment garners for Brock. Third, I’m lucky enough to be attending September’s Night of Champions where Brock Lesnar has been scheduled to be in action. Not much reason to use one of the few working dates on his contract if he’s not going to be sporting the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Still, Cena’s gonna Cena but I’m going with predictability on this one.

Winner: Brock Lesnar

Steve Ekstrom: To be honest, this match is probably going to be the worst piece of booking for SummerSlam this year in terms of logistics for the next 3 months of narrative building toward Survivor Series. Brock Lesnar has been completely mismanaged since his return a couple of years ago.  I mean, Cena won that fight originally…and he really shouldn’t have. Back in the day, to tell a good story over the course of three to six months, a monster would come in and crush Hulk Hogan and then Hulk Hogan would struggle to find his inner strength and he would then proceed to Hulk Up and dominate said monster. This doesn’t happen anymore. He may be the “real” face of the WWE but John Cena is also a black hole for his opponents much like Triple H was around ’00 through ’03. Lesnar won’t win this. He’s a part-timer. If he does? It’ll only be to dump the belt(s) back on Cena a month later to create interest for Night of Champions.  Can I just say: I miss Daniel Bryan. Bryan v. Lesnar? The hottest David v. Goliath match in the history of pro-wrestling with two guys who can actually grapple and wrestle. Lesnar has to win to stay credible but that would mean more appearance dates. None of this makes any sense anymore. Just get it over with.

Winner: John Cena

ss 14 2
Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon

LM: Ugh. I just– I just can’t care about this. At all. Best scenario is Daniel Bryan is in his wife’s corner and nervously smiles and makes light of the shitty situation the entire time. Worst case scenario is the whole thing lasts more than 15 minutes. Geez, I just realized I’ve been crazy negative about this Pay-Per-View. Ah well, no reason to change things now…

Winner: Stephanie McMahon

EKS: ::cough cough:: Who cares?! Stephanie McMahon is abysmal and I’m sure that this match is going to be 15 minutes of unfortunate movement. The ONLY thing good that could happen in this match? Daniel Bryan could be a good husband and back his wife up somehow. I really hope this exercise in dramatics is just a very slow build-up to Bryan feuding with the Cerebral Assassin in a few months.

Winner: The WWE for taking 15-20 minutes of my life that I will never be able to get back.

ss 14 3Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton

LM: Hopefully, regardless of the outcome, this will be the final blow off between these two. I also find this to be the toughest one to predict. Nah, just screwing with you. A Superman Punch and a Spear is all she wrote for Orton.

Winner: Roman Reigns

EKS: Okay, I’ve been all over the web and I’ve read a lot of opinions coming from the IWC and I have to say that I agree with the notion that Randy Orton is the WRONG opponent for Roman Reigns. Orton’s matches are slower, methodical affairs that rely more on Randy’s somewhat menacing psychology to propel his role as the villainous Viper. Reigns seems to really thrive in more of a frenetically paced match-up.  Otherwise, he’s just this slow moving mass of black gear and hair that just soaks a beating. Reigns is quickly becoming the new Master of the 5 Moves of Doom (I’ll give him credit, he’s young…he has about 9 moves right now) and his matches seem to stale quickly after a couple of wrist pumps of his Superman punch…and, honestly, Superman stole that pose from Iron Man…but I digress.  Reigns is the new “Next Thing” and he will toil and struggle but he will win.

Winner: Roman Reigns

ss 14 4Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins (Lumberjack Match)

LM: This match will steal the show. However, (I’m about to go on a little rant) this being a Lumberjack match is stupid. Why not make it a ladder match for the MITB briefcase?! What possible rationale is there behind this not being the most extreme match possible when both guys “hate” each other, and Ambrose’s sole goal is to make sure Rollins never cashes in?! Gah! I just can’t comprehend the reasoning! In any case, Ambrose is going to take this one– simply for the fact that there’s really nothing on the line.

Winner: Dean Ambrose

EKS: I’m with my esteemed colleague…sort of. Why in the holy hell is this a lumberjack match?! We are seriously looking at the next two guys who could carry the company (No, I don’t believe in Roman Reigns) and neither one of them needs a “compliment” of some sort for this match-up. This is one of the few building rivalries that has worked out well since the split of the The Shield. Ambrose v. Rollins feels like an old-school “program” where we see two talents go back and forth for three to six months. This is how you build a bitter feud. With news coming out that Ambrose is going to be starring in a new WWE picture and with the super-duper push Seth Rollins has been getting since his brilliant turn, there’s only one way to call this match-up: Seth Rollins wins and Ambrose gets robbed and continues to sell the lunatic fringe angle. Heroes don’t have to win matches to stay potent when they have nothing to lose. Villains have to dominate in order for the audience believe they are a palpable threat. Rollins? He’s the best heel in the locker room. Ambrose continues to have nothing to lose. Everyone stays happy as they tear things up together.

Winner: Seth Rollins

ss 14 5
Divas Champion AJ Lee vs. Paige (Title Match)

LM: You ever get that strange feeling you’ve seen something before? Like you’ve bore witness to an event soooo many times that it’s lost all importance to you, when surely SURELY that couldn’t be the case? Hmmm. On that note…

Winner: AJ Lee

EKS: I feel like I can’t get enough of Paige. Seriously. She’s hypnotic and she’s definitely one of the more talented female performers. I’m kind of over AJ Lee because, if she’s not being a psychopath, she’s kind of boring as she skips her way into convincing me that I can run and grab a snack and use the bathroom while she’s on my television. This weird rivalry would almost make more sense if the Women’s belt was a guy (like Dolph Ziggler) and they were feuding over him. I really feel like the WWE is losing interest in AJ…but with the weird rumors circulating the internet regarding CM Punk returning (which he won’t, for the record) maybe she’ll retain. The problem? She’s running out of good opponents to wrestle as a face. The only way I can see Paige winning is if she acquires AJ’s old bodyguard, Tamina Snuka.

Winner: Paige (just because I’d rather see her win…but I know better.)

ss 14 6Jack Swagger vs. Rusev (Flag Match)

LM: When looking at this match, and judging from the crowd reactions he has miraculously gotten over the last few weeks on RAW, it almost seems Jack Swagger HAS TO defeat Rusev and proudly hoist the Stars & Bars for the world to see! It’s been like a wave of friggin’ patriotic fever has washed over the crowds everytime he and Rusev have stepped into the squared circle, uniting behind the hate-filled (but less controversial) words of Zeb Colter. I have to hand it to the WWE for finding a way to turn what was, as of only a couple of months ago, one of the most xenophobic gimmicks in history into one of the most xenophobic gimmicks in history that people can root for. Still, Rusev has never been pinned or made to submit in his WWE career so far, and I think they’d want to save that for someone a little higher up the card. (Wristbands and jorts come to mind)

Winner: Rusev

EKS: I’m going to come out and admit something: Rusev gives me a “murder boner” when he hits the ring and squashes his opponents with that ridiculous flying kick. There are NOT enough monsters in the locker room and there are lots of bland mid-carders like Jack Swagger who are going to eventually find their way to the cheapest pop of them all: Patriotism. The WWE Universe is full of the right types of folks to appeal to this sort of ham fisted ploy at their red, white, and blue sensibilities. Sadly, Swagger can’t carry his own jockstrap when it comes to cutting a promo…because Dusty Rhodes made his speech impediment endearing 30 years ago. In order for Swagger’s recent cheap comeuppance to have any sort of lasting effect (and so the WWE can sell 40,000 units of backwards Barry Horowitz t-shirts), Zeb Coulter has to rally that audience into a frothy fervor and Swagger has to go out there and make people believe that he’s ferocious and committed to truth, justice and the American way.  That will happen for about 7 minutes…the other 8-10 minutes will be Rusev and Lana absolutely owning that ring as they incite that audience and crush our collective American Dreams.

Winner: Rusev

ss 14 7Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt

LM: Bray Wyatt shall destroy Chris Jericho and, in the process, tear apart all of the WWE Universe’s preconceived notions about good and evil! Our feeble minds have not the capacity to understand the true nature of the Eater of Worlds, so guessing his intentions are folly. Folly! When it’s all said and done, Jericho shall meet Sister Abigail once again, and worship at the feet of inequity. Follow the buzzards!

Or something like that. I like the Wyatts.

Winner: Bray Wyatt

EKS: Mmmm…this match is saucy. I want to think that the newly minted “unpredictable” Chris Jericho (from the Wyatt/ Jericho interview) could bring something new to the ring…but he won’t. He’s a part-timer. We’ve seen the “Lion Tamer” before. Bray Wyatt is the Anti-Christ of the caricature performer wrestler. He is the real wrestling messiah whose brilliance rises above all of the former glories of the Stone Colds, the Rocks and the Y2Js with their real personalities dialed up to “11”. If the WWE were smart, they’d have Wyatt demolish Y2J and proclaim an end to false iconography in the WWE. Smart fans want to believe again. I mean, Wyatt has people singing a tune taught to small children at Sunday school when his stooges comes out. He’s the inevitable choice. He’s the real Messiah. Praise be to Bray Wyatt.

Winner: Bray Wyatt

ss 14 8Intercontinental Champion The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler (Title Match)

LM: When the rumored match lengths were leaked for Summerslam last week, this bout was only scheduled to last 10 minutes. That blows, and I hope the WWE changes it up somewhat to surprise viewers, plus it’s Ziggler. That guy deserves a little more time. So far, this feud, like most involving the Miz, hasn’t been all that exciting; but, I think with Ziggler’s recent wins and the short time given to the match, the Show-Off will come out on top– although probably with a roll-up pin on an unsuspecting Miz.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

EKS: Why is this match even happening? Someone needs to let Mike Mizanin know that his 15 minutes are up and that no one wants to watch him wrestle anymore. I honestly feel like Dolph Ziggler is never going to get his due in the WWE until 8 guys all get injured at the same time. Or if he went to TNA like Christian did for a year or two and got some outside cred. This match better open the PPV so we can get it over with. Dolph deserves better than the Miz on his 48th attempt at breaking into the upper-mid-card again.

Winner: Who cares?! Dolph will be jobbing to El Torito next week when both Layla and Summer find out they’re pregnant with midget minotaurs.

WWE Summerslam will be airing LIVE on August 17th, exclusively on Pay-Per-View and the WWE Network!

*FreakSugar has no true ability to look into the future. Only other dimensions.