So, ABC’s Bachelor in Paradise. First of all, stop your judging. I can feel the hate-heat of your judgment through the computer screen. Stop it. I don’t judge you for watching yet another season of Tyra Banks devouring the souls of the vapid and the desperate on America’s Next Top Model, so y’all can just halt that shit.
That said, yeah, sometimes my wife Colleen and I do hate ourselves for watching the network-sanctioned petri dish of STD flotsam, but it’s more of a hate-watching exercise. Mostly. If I were being totally honest, yes, there is some entertainment factored into yelling at all the bumbling, Yankee swap “dating” that goes on in the course of the fuck show. Come on, you know that island has to smell like a dumpster fire stoked by the husks of Jersey Shore cast members.
However, Colleen and I do concede that there could be ways to tweak the show that will make the viewing experience a more rewarding one beyond just getting our hate on. With the two-night finale of this season starting this Sunday night, below are just a few suggestions that we feel could elevate the program to that next level.
- With the metric ton of venereal disease that has to be lurking about on Fuck Island, as well as all the partner-changin’ that happens from week to week, we assume that new strains of Super STDs, resistant to normal antibiotics and other treatments, would be popping up like gremlins all the time. Eventually, some of those strains will most likely gain sentience and wreak havoc upon the contestants. More of that, please. Let’s see more of the swingers run toward the ocean in vain as they scramble to escape Mongor, the Herpetitis with a Soul!
- The bachelors and bachelorettes on the series are sent home on the whims of the wounded prides and sour feelings of their fellow contestants. This seems a bit arbitrary. Why not throw the kids into battle royale, to-the-death cage matches? Winners only prove their worth as providers and partners by besting their foes in a blood match to rival anything seen on Animal Kingdom. Darwin at work! Sorta!
- Colleen and I both agree: Jorge the bartender is the best part of the show. While he’s always very cordial and patient with the folks at Sodom Beach Resort, we like to imagine that Jorge is always this close to losing it and telling the contestants to take some SuckItUpATine. Why not have a season from his perspective, while he provides commentary on the goings-on of men and women who insist that one date equals a relationship? Bonus: He could provide drink recipes as an alternative to the sage advice he dispenses to hapless clods whose relationship meters are busted.
- While this season’s The Island on NBC was hardly a hit, it did give us one idea: If the contestants can meet their food and shelter needs and still have energy for the humpty-hump, then they have free reign to engage in their poor decisions.
- Smoke monsters worked on Lost. Why not for Bachelor in Paradise? We’d much rather the cast be pursued by an ambiguously-defined boogeyman than watch them fumble about with their feelings and cry like jilted teenagers watching a marathon of Top Chef on prom night.
- Throw Bear Grylls into the mix! If a contestant’s intended still wants to make the double-backed beast with him after he swigs his own urine, Bear can assist him by making a bed of fuzzy spiders on which he and his partner can make sweet, sweet love.
Regardless of whether ABC listens to our suggestions, we’ll keep watching because, Hell, we sorta-kinda like it. The two-night season finale of Bachelor in Paradise begins this Sunday at 8:00PM on ABC.