Washington DC: Just over a month after being confirmed as the Attorney General of the United States under President Donald Trump’s administration, Jeff Sessions was banished back to his home dimension by former Vice President Joe Biden and former Senator Barney Frank.
Calling on the Four Winds of Lincoln the Emancipator, the warlocks Biden and Frank used a binding spell to hold Sessions in front of the Washington Monument. Using the monument as a conductor, the former elected officials opened a portal to Sessions’ home dimension.
“You have no power here!” Biden bellowed as his fingers contorted in the tempest, sparks flying through the air. “Neither the White Hood nor the Hammer and Sickle will wrap their tendrils around the people’s house again!”
After Biden and Frank forced a snarling and spitting Sessions to say his name backward three times, the Attorney General was pulled through the portal, the doorway between realities closing behind him.
Prior to his exile from our own plane, Session’s nomination to the U.S. AG position had not been without controversy. Sessions was denied a federal judgeship in 1986 after his former colleagues testified that Sessions had used racial slurs and expressed admiration of the Ku Klux Klan.
Further, during his testimony during his Senate confirmation hearings for the AG position, Sessions stated that he had not had contact with Russian officials during the 2016 U.S. presidential election campaign; in March 2017, this was shown to be false.
Sessions had been largely absent from the spotlight following the days of the March revelation, until he recently ordered dozens of attorneys across the U.S. to resign, including Preet Bharara, who was fired after refusing Session’ orders. Bharara, an attorney under the Obama administration who had been asked to stay on board by Trump, is most notable for being on the cover of Time magazine and was often called “The Sheriff of Wall Street.” On Wednesday, Sessions declared his intent to crack down on drug use, as well as speaking out against the use of medical marijuana.
It appears that was the final straw for Biden and Frank.
“The Mad King Trump sees enemies everywhere!” Frank gesticulated wildly to the media. “Sessions is one less forked tongue holding his ear.”
Sessions’ reception upon returning to his home dimension of Kortath VIII was less-than-warm.
“It took the combined magicks of witches and warlocks across New United States and EurAfrica to expel the Hell Imp from our home the first time,” High Priestess Clinton wearily told reporters as sages circled a chain-draped Sessions behind him.
Pressed as to whether Sessions would be sent to another plane of reality, Clinton was not certain.
“If we make such a decision, there are a few possibilities. The one we would likely land on, however, is 30 years into the future of the Earth whence we first stranded him.”
That is when the Biden of Kortath VIII jumped into the camera.
“Dude, white people are going to be a minority in America 30 years!” Biden exclaimed, a huge smile across his face and making devil horned hand signs. “Chicken-fried dick cheese’s mind. Will. EXPLODE.”